Happiness has been at the top of discussion topics amongst my friends recently. We ask: How do I find it or When is it my turn? even, What is happiness?
Obviously, I am no expert. I often fall into the trap of comparing my life to others and wonder, “What do they know that I do not?” or “They have all the pieces of a ‘complete’ life, I’ll never catch up…” I see people who happily stay in their little corner of the world, with their house and their kids and are perfectly content just to be. They are not plagued with the quest to see if the grass is really greener.
I am not one of those people.
I’ve discovered that that is okay.
My biggest aids in my search for inner peace, were three things:
- Simply let go of all the things I thought I should be doing and live honestly (especially to myself) as to what I wanted to be doing.
- Pinpoint what makes me unhappy and make a plan to fix it. With a savage violence, I got rid of all that was holding me back and I created steps and goals to get me what I wanted.
- Realize greatness was there all along, I just needed to pull my head out of my ass and enjoy it.
I have an amazing brother who is now married to one of my best friends. They have the two most beautiful children in the world. I want kids; little blonde heathens running around burning me with their wit. As I am only one year behind him, I found myself judging myself for my lack of a family. What am I doing wrong??? Simple answer: not a damn thing. It’s just not my time. And while the family thing hasn’t been happening, I started my own production company, I’ve created worlds and films and novels and projects. That makes me happy.
Most of my friends from home are still cozily nestled in Montana. They don’t really venture out into the world, and most now have a house, and secure jobs and plans to start a family. I’ve been stewing in my apartments all across the country and have worried for my future. I have worried that I would never find a place that really felt like home and I was doomed to wander the earth searching for a place to plant roots. But then… I’ve gotten to wander the earth. My breath has caught in my throat on the fjords of Norway, in ancient castles in Britain and on the cobblestone streets of Paris. I’ve been to every major city in the U.S. and have lived in every region of the country. I’ve met and laughed and cried with people from all over the world. I might not have a picket fence, but the planet has been my backyard. That makes me happy.
And love. Oh how I’ve loved. The heart stopping, gut wrenching passion that wipes away all reason. Love and I have been on quite a journey. My friends can attest to my passionate declarations and then my soundless sobs as they hold me in my pain. At the end of each failed relationships, it always comes back to the same, “What is wrong with me? What concept can I not grasp to make this work?” Nothing. My Mom *insert eye roll* was the one to open my eyes with, “Just because you are not willing to settle, does not a problem make.” I was so focused on feeling that, due to age, I had to be married, I had to start a family, I had to settle down and start an ‘adult life’… that I failed to realize that I don’t actually want all that. For the first time in my life, I am starting to admit maybe that life isn’t for me. That maybe I haven’t found a soul mate… because I don’t really want one… I’ve always wanted kids more than a husband and maybe I’d rather do it alone…? Now that is BIG SHIT to admit. Luckily, I have the freedom and the guts now to face that about myself and move forward in a healthy way and create the life I might actually want. This thought: Is. So. Exciting.
At the end of the day, I want to stress that happiness is what you make it. It is within yourself and, just like every relationship, you have to work on it. It’s not luck. It’s not other people’s responsibility. No excuses. It is up to you. If you are honest and do the work, you will find it.
Happy questing 😉
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